Vol 54: Power Ballads edition

Poison – “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”

[Breathing at the beginning] “That was breathing? Don’t like that. That’s too creepy.”

“Is this Bruce Springsteen?”

“There is a nice twang to this, but it’s a Nickelback twang that I don’t like.”

[first guitar break] “Oh, this is power ballads.”

“Is this the people who do the Friends theme song?”
[“Uh…no.”]
“Isn’t that a power ballad though? It’s the same thing. ‘Every breath we take, every road we…go’?”

“Oh, they’re saying rose. I thought they were saying roads. They were talking about cowboys, roads made more sense.”

“This is much too guitary for me.”

“Do all power ballads need a tambourine? Tambourines, talking about making love. This is what people dance to at the weddings.”

“Are you asking me to marry you?”

 

Whitesnake – “Here I Go Again”

[Intro] “The background of this is very Beach Housey.”

“Oh, I know this song.”

“This is the song you play as the hero is kicking up the dust, fleeing down the road. The horizon.”

“All of these singers have that kind of lusty tone to their voices, that it could be a man or woman singing.”
[“Can you explain what you mean by ‘lusty’?”]
“Kind of like…grusting. Coming from both the groin and the heart at the same time. And you just know that’s a life that’s been lived.”

“This song is only good for the part that everybody knows. I don’t need to hear the rest of this.”

“I think when I first heard this, I pictured k.d. lang singing it. But like a gritty k.d. lang.”

[Super high note] “That’s too much like a witch.”

 

Night Ranger – “Sister Christian”

“This is just gas station shit.”

“Is this mom or dad music? Is it written for moms? These guys all love their moms?”

“Are all these songs written on the road? See? Motorin’.”

“These are music videos that are shot in haze, right?”

 

Heart – “What About Love?”

“If I say this is good, you’re just going to make fun of me because it’s the one a woman is singing.”

“This is the kind of song that plays at a high school graduation and everyone cries.”

“This is very MTS Centre music.”

“I feel like for the brief time in my life I watched Glee…all these songs just remind me of what they did on Glee.”

[Guitar solo] “Ugh. I didn’t miss this part of record reviews.”

“I don’t really like it. It started off strong but it didn’t last. A limp ballad, I’d call it.”

 

Mötley Crüe – “Home Sweet Home”

“This reminds me of the Stuart Little soundtrack.”

“Ew, now it sounds like a Disney villain.”

“Wait, this is Mötley Crüe? Mötley Crüe is men? I always thought it was like, pirate women.”

“The delivery of these lines is very interesting to me. Listening to the lyrics, it would make a very cute song about loving home, but instead they’re singing in this very aggressive way.”

[Guitar solo] “You know, there’s a power in silence.”

“He’s kind of ruining a phrase that I love.”

 

Bon Jovi – “I’ll Be There For You”

“I’m picturing blue light, saxophone on a street corner. These songs are all happening at dusk, I would say.”

“Wait, this is the Friends people. I’ll be there for you?!”

“All of these just sound like the Eagles to me. Which I don’t like, just so you know.”

[“Do you know who this is?”]
[shrugs] “…Steambugs?”

“I could see how this could turn some people on, maybe. You could sway with yourself to this.”

“I don’t think love should be professed this loudly.”

“If you’re gonna end the last 30 seconds just saying ‘whoa’, you should just end it.”

 

Extreme – “More than Words”

“Is this Colbie Caillat?”

“My mom used to listen to this song all the time. I’m pretty sure it was on the Love, Actually soundtrack, which was one of her favourite CDs of all time.”

“I can tell they’re trying to manipulate me into falling in love. So I just immediately have my wall up.”

“It reminds me of high school talent shows.”

“Gilmore Girls?”

“I have a problem with how they’re quiet and then they’re just…givin’ ‘er.”

“It also reminds me of the Barenaked Ladies Christmas album. Maybe it’s the men singing together? It gives me the jeebies.”

“I have a problem with how they’re mixing falsetto with not-falsetto. You should commit to one or the other.”

 

Foreigner – “I Want to Know What Love Is”

[Intro keyboards] “This is cool. This is like love in space.”

[Pre-chorus] “This is a bit too whiny for me.”

[Chorus] “I know this song! This is so lovely. It’s so inspiring.”

“This is pretty feely. I approve. The only part I don’t like is the line about travelling so far. It just makes me picture Terry Fox running.”

“It would be a lot better though if a woman was singing it. It would just be a bit more vulnerable.”

[Last chorus] “I don’t like this. Who’s joining in here? Who let them in?”

 

Aerosmith – “Cryin'”

“All Aerosmith songs sound the same.”

“Did you know my first dance was to Aerosmith?”

“I like the verse part where it’s kind of country.”

“We’re farmers in crime? Is that what he said?”

“Don’t they have a song called ‘Crazy‘ that is exactly like this? Rip-off boys. I bet they didn’t even write these solos.”

“I also think the fade-out is kind of a wimpy move.”

 

KISS – “Beth”

‘This seems nice. It reminds me of porches.”

“I’m pretty sure they actually did do this on Glee. I only saw the first two seasons, but this was definitely one of them.”

“Oooh, some flute.”

“The musicality of this is so much nicer than what the song is actually doing.”

“Ugh, ‘me and the boys‘? Gross. No one wants to hear about the boys.”

Guns n’ Roses – “November Rain”

“I think I don’t like anything that begins with the word ‘power.’ Power bowls, power tools.”

[Intro] “This sounds like the beginning of a soap opera. The Young and the Restless theme song.”

“Who is this?”
[“Guns n’ Roses.”]
“More like… dunces n’ posers.”

“What did he say? If you want to love me, darling get a brain?”

“You can make it halfway across the city while this song plays. Do you know everything you could do in 9 minutes? You could fry a good egg. You could make some toast. Call your friend. Kiss your lover.”

“This is like the power ballads version of an epic poem. Nobody wants to read the whole thing. It is kind of a nice song though. I kind of want to dance to it.”

[Outro] “Wait, is this like the evil version of it? It comes back reincarnated? What a commentary on love.”

“That actually was not that long of a 9 minutes.”